Behind the curve
Have you ever felt behind? I think everyone has. You may be literally behind someone in a line at a store or on the road in a car. You may feel behind in something you are doing or be behind in a goal you are trying to accomplish.
I admit this is a feeling I have had many times in my life. I have often felt like I was behind in something I was doing. It is mostly an uncomfortable feeling that I would like to never experience again. However, it is a feeling I have become very acquainted with over the past several years.
This past Monday, I was sitting in a time of worship and reflection and I began to think about my childhood. I can remember having nightmares often to the point that I never wanted to go to sleep. I remember doing anything I could to get out of going to sleep or to not sleep by myself. There are two things I used to do often that seem very silly to me now. Every night before I went to sleep I would go collect our family dog, Ginger. I would bring her to my room and and close the door so she could not leave. Most nights I would wake up at some point and find that my door was open and Ginger was missing. I would then go on a search to find her and bring her back to my room. The other thing I would do was try and sneak into the room of my younger sister to sleep. Sometimes she would wake up and make me leave! How embarrassing! All in an effort to not sleep by myself because of the nightmares. As I sat worshipping, these many hurtful memories flooded my mind. I wondered why in the world is this coming to my mind now! I began to think about it and the thought that came to my mind was, "God, where were you during this time?" After I sat for a while, the answer I heard was, "I was there all of the time. I was with you every step, every time you laid down, every time you were scared; I was there." Amazingly, I felt peace. I felt resolution. And I knew in my heart that He was always with me.
The next thought that came to my mind was, "Why did you make me way you did? What is my purpose on this earth?" Although God had been giving me some clarity in this area, I still didn't feel at complete peace with why He made me the way He did and how that fits in to what He has created me to do. (I have become increasingly more confident over time that every single person is created for a specific purpose! Until we are walking toward that end, we will feel frustrated and a sense of being lost or directionless.) I am in the process of understanding more and more of God's love and pleasure for me, personally. Which is incredible! I know He loves me in a crazy kind of out of this world way but I often wonder why am I the way I am. I am confident in Him and who He is. I know I am His. But I am perplexed at times with myself and why I feel and think the way I do. I am so grateful for where He has me. I love my life. I am content with what I have but at times I think I am not really being true to who He created me to be.
Some of this thinking goes back to my childhood. I had an incredible childhood up until the time my parents got divorced before I turned 16. I know my parents loved me and tried their absolute best to give me everything I needed or even wanted growing up. Despite their best efforts, I grew up as a very insecure person. I was very in touch with my feelings and thoughts and was always very sensitive to the feelings of others. As a result, I always walked around on egg shells trying not to upset anyone too much. I always wanted everyone else to be happy. Not a bad thing. However, I often felt frustrated and I did not know why. I tried to be what I thought I needed to be to make the people around me happy. Not so much trying to gain approval but to keep peace and make others happy. I dabbled into many things as a boy but because of a lack of character, never followed through with much of anything.
As I sat with more questions than answers swirling through my head, God broke through. I was wondering why am I so sensitive? Why when I walk in a room do I notice every person that is in it; not just see them with my eyes but almost feel their presence. Why do I feel a compulsion to interact with everyone person I pass? Why do I have such a strong draw to those that seem overlooked or defenseless? This hyper sensitivity can lead me to the wrong conclusion that something is wrong with me. When left unchecked, I become very introspective and begin to feel sorry for myself thinking the world is against me. Wrong! Thankfully God broke through and began to answer this question that has plagued me for so long. He told me he made me this way because He made me like His Son. He told me that is the way Jesus is. He notices everyone. He is sensitive to the hurts and fears of every person. Jesus values every person but is especially drawn to those that do not know His love; either at all or only in part. He wants to protect those that need protecting and give purpose to those that are purposeless. In that moment as He spoke to me, I began to understand for the first time in my life why I am the way I am. So many things began to make sense to me. I could see how I had operated in selfishness because I did not understand why I was this way. I had taken the hurts of others personally, being offended myself as though everything revolved around me. Now I could see that my loving Father had given me the greatest blessing instead of a terrible curse. I was made to be like His Son! What an honor! I began to cry and thank God for loving me this much! I started celebrating how blessed I was to see through the eyes of Jesus!
As Laura and I drove home I shared with her what God had been doing in my heart! It was a challenge to try and drive and cry at the same time. When I finished talking, Laura shared with me that God confirmed to her what I had said and told her to tell me something. When I notice things about other people, I need to ask Him what is happening inside of the other person. Instead of becoming introspective and self-centered, if I ask Him, He will help me to see the other person from His perspective. Amazing!
Much of the way we feel in life is perception. We can feel one way and in reality be somewhere else. I have felt like I was behind a lot. Behind where I should be in life. Behind where I should be for my age. Behind in starting into my career. Behind in where I think my walk with God should be. That has been my perception. However, as I talk with God He tells me I am exactly where He wants me to be. He tells me that He is proud of me and so excited for where I am in my walk with Him! My perception is one thing but reality is something else. As I turn my focus from myself to Him, everything seems to come into focus. I am not behind the curve at all. I am out in front, walking side by side with the One who loves me more than words can express!
I admit this is a feeling I have had many times in my life. I have often felt like I was behind in something I was doing. It is mostly an uncomfortable feeling that I would like to never experience again. However, it is a feeling I have become very acquainted with over the past several years.
This past Monday, I was sitting in a time of worship and reflection and I began to think about my childhood. I can remember having nightmares often to the point that I never wanted to go to sleep. I remember doing anything I could to get out of going to sleep or to not sleep by myself. There are two things I used to do often that seem very silly to me now. Every night before I went to sleep I would go collect our family dog, Ginger. I would bring her to my room and and close the door so she could not leave. Most nights I would wake up at some point and find that my door was open and Ginger was missing. I would then go on a search to find her and bring her back to my room. The other thing I would do was try and sneak into the room of my younger sister to sleep. Sometimes she would wake up and make me leave! How embarrassing! All in an effort to not sleep by myself because of the nightmares. As I sat worshipping, these many hurtful memories flooded my mind. I wondered why in the world is this coming to my mind now! I began to think about it and the thought that came to my mind was, "God, where were you during this time?" After I sat for a while, the answer I heard was, "I was there all of the time. I was with you every step, every time you laid down, every time you were scared; I was there." Amazingly, I felt peace. I felt resolution. And I knew in my heart that He was always with me.
The next thought that came to my mind was, "Why did you make me way you did? What is my purpose on this earth?" Although God had been giving me some clarity in this area, I still didn't feel at complete peace with why He made me the way He did and how that fits in to what He has created me to do. (I have become increasingly more confident over time that every single person is created for a specific purpose! Until we are walking toward that end, we will feel frustrated and a sense of being lost or directionless.) I am in the process of understanding more and more of God's love and pleasure for me, personally. Which is incredible! I know He loves me in a crazy kind of out of this world way but I often wonder why am I the way I am. I am confident in Him and who He is. I know I am His. But I am perplexed at times with myself and why I feel and think the way I do. I am so grateful for where He has me. I love my life. I am content with what I have but at times I think I am not really being true to who He created me to be.
Some of this thinking goes back to my childhood. I had an incredible childhood up until the time my parents got divorced before I turned 16. I know my parents loved me and tried their absolute best to give me everything I needed or even wanted growing up. Despite their best efforts, I grew up as a very insecure person. I was very in touch with my feelings and thoughts and was always very sensitive to the feelings of others. As a result, I always walked around on egg shells trying not to upset anyone too much. I always wanted everyone else to be happy. Not a bad thing. However, I often felt frustrated and I did not know why. I tried to be what I thought I needed to be to make the people around me happy. Not so much trying to gain approval but to keep peace and make others happy. I dabbled into many things as a boy but because of a lack of character, never followed through with much of anything.
As I sat with more questions than answers swirling through my head, God broke through. I was wondering why am I so sensitive? Why when I walk in a room do I notice every person that is in it; not just see them with my eyes but almost feel their presence. Why do I feel a compulsion to interact with everyone person I pass? Why do I have such a strong draw to those that seem overlooked or defenseless? This hyper sensitivity can lead me to the wrong conclusion that something is wrong with me. When left unchecked, I become very introspective and begin to feel sorry for myself thinking the world is against me. Wrong! Thankfully God broke through and began to answer this question that has plagued me for so long. He told me he made me this way because He made me like His Son. He told me that is the way Jesus is. He notices everyone. He is sensitive to the hurts and fears of every person. Jesus values every person but is especially drawn to those that do not know His love; either at all or only in part. He wants to protect those that need protecting and give purpose to those that are purposeless. In that moment as He spoke to me, I began to understand for the first time in my life why I am the way I am. So many things began to make sense to me. I could see how I had operated in selfishness because I did not understand why I was this way. I had taken the hurts of others personally, being offended myself as though everything revolved around me. Now I could see that my loving Father had given me the greatest blessing instead of a terrible curse. I was made to be like His Son! What an honor! I began to cry and thank God for loving me this much! I started celebrating how blessed I was to see through the eyes of Jesus!
As Laura and I drove home I shared with her what God had been doing in my heart! It was a challenge to try and drive and cry at the same time. When I finished talking, Laura shared with me that God confirmed to her what I had said and told her to tell me something. When I notice things about other people, I need to ask Him what is happening inside of the other person. Instead of becoming introspective and self-centered, if I ask Him, He will help me to see the other person from His perspective. Amazing!
Much of the way we feel in life is perception. We can feel one way and in reality be somewhere else. I have felt like I was behind a lot. Behind where I should be in life. Behind where I should be for my age. Behind in starting into my career. Behind in where I think my walk with God should be. That has been my perception. However, as I talk with God He tells me I am exactly where He wants me to be. He tells me that He is proud of me and so excited for where I am in my walk with Him! My perception is one thing but reality is something else. As I turn my focus from myself to Him, everything seems to come into focus. I am not behind the curve at all. I am out in front, walking side by side with the One who loves me more than words can express!
I can identify with so much of this! An amazing read! Thank you for sharing your journey!
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